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again & again

by toothbrusher2000

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1.
again after 03:26
the air is dead we’re all back to being sad about it i’d forgotten the smell but i knew it then and i know it now hot tub water rubbing my hands together and we’re gonna be sad then we’re gonna be happy again after when the sun hits you remember how orange everything gets when your teeth grit you’re reminded that you know everything ends on a night walk like the one that i took late last fall and i thought here i’d feel it but i don’t at all like a bike ride past the lilacs in the may twilight when the world was ending different ways and years but still the same time and your favourite album’s playing from a different time it’s waving and i'm reaching back and taking whatever i can for saving it’s a ruin of what i once felt it’s a flash card for something else it’s a wheel on your dad’s first car it’s a repeat when you’re pulling a card it’s a tunnel filled in again it’s a puddle showing your reflection it’s a dream waking you up at night it’s a photo of when you were nine it’s your breath showing like a vision it’s the water evaporating in sun it’s the cycle of baby rabbits they don’t learn from their own habits
2.
back & forth 03:14
elastic twisted on my thumb back and forth back and forth till it’s numb and i said nothing turn on the water over and over and every time i get a little bit older and i’ve still said nothing my hair grew down down down it brushes my chin yours is gone gone gone and i’ve said nothing i’m trying to keep the temple of us untouched in my mind i see it in a way i never did but i leave it i’m trying to keep the temple of us untouched in my mind i leave it abandoned but still standing where it is crush a berry in my fingertips and the juice drip drip drip drips haven’t gone back to sit on those steps that i used to back and forth back and forth and over again maybe you don’t need to be my friend down down drip drip and back and forth you owe me but maybe i owe you more i’m trying to keep the temple of us untouched in my mind i see it in a way i never did but i leave it i’m trying to keep the temple of us untouched in my mind i leave it abandoned but still standing where it is back and forth back and forth and over again maybe you don’t need to be my friend down down drip drip and back and forth you owe me but maybe i owe you more
3.
watching my reflection in the big church window and the sun is always setting so i always take a photo now i’m rolling something down grasshopper hill and it never stops rolling it just never stops and i’ve been getting up getting drunk meeting up at the neighbourhood spot and it never stops it just never stops waking up to the sound of a radio host telling the story of a kid who went missing in toronto and every day i sleep through the beginning hanging around to see houses get torn down and built again lately practically swimming in suburban ennui an endless sprinkler flowing endlessly please be quiet the trees are growing and the cars are running over them ‘cause they’re never slowing my shirt is always sticking to me ‘cause it’s always so hot and something’s rolling down the hill and it never stops
4.
hole in a tree killed my old hate maybe he can see me in the hospital parking lot at sunset again may the 8th wait at home i’m running late we got nothing post-mortem and now the funeral’s delayed every night oh every night i go digging in the same spot every night oh every night dig till i find something i don’t want way back then did it too fast and i reached the end these days i don’t say how i'm ashamed my mind is blank it’s a curse everyone said it would be ten times worse lost you and the comfort too of grieving as rehearsed every night oh every night i go digging in the same spot every night oh every night dig till i find something i don’t want holding back street lamp frosted glass night ride late walk i'm mad but I’m not cat tails sky after rain flowers on the driveway i get sad thinking how i’m not every night oh every night i go digging in the same spot every night oh every night dig till i find something i don’t want
5.
jumprope 03:32
there’s a really long jump rope with you at the end i'm always missing the beat it’s always hitting my leg but if i follow it back at least it’s still in your hand i did not believe it then but you were right about everything the mittens and the crows and how it all would go there’s a braid in my hair but it’s not me at the end i did it myself it was borne of my hand but if I follow it back there’s someone else attached i can say it easily when you’re sitting right in front of me when I’m focusing my mind and not any other time there are two of me there are two of you too there are two of me there are two of you too there are two of me and the other one is trying to find the other one of you two of me two of you two of me two of you

credits

released August 19, 2022

music by Etta Gerrits
recording by Etta Gerrits
mixing & mastering by Hannah Judge
production by Hannah Judge and Etta Gerrits
time correction & live drums by Michael Watson

additional musical help from Hannah Judge, Michael Watson, & Laura Bruno

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toothbrusher2000 Ottawa, Ontario

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